Rumours
by delos13
Summary: Virgil once said "Rumor grows up by travelling". As we know, Alexander and his army travelled a lot.


Author's note:  I have to admit, this story is rather non-canon but I couldn't avoid the temptation of writing it once the idea formed in my mind. I hope you like it nevertheless and accept it as a humorous present to the forthcoming Alexander's birthday.

As always, readers comments are sincerely appreciated.

x

"…and as I am sure you're all eager to attend the celebration of founding of a new Alexandria, Alexandria on the Caucasus, you're free to go to prepare yourself for the evening feast," Alexander announced with a smile.

Watching his generals to crowd the exit from the room, the king, as if in afterthought, asked: "Ptolemy, did you manage to procure what I asked you for?"

The said general froze on the spot; he never had any reason to complain about his memory and, in any case, assignments given by Alexander were not the things he would forget, yet he had no recollection of Alexander asking him to secure anything special. However the question caused him only a momentous hesitation since almost immediately he turned back to Alexander with a winning smile, announcing "If you have time for it now…"

"Yes, of course," Alexander waived his friend to come closer, "let's talk."

Watching the last of his generals to leave the place, he invited Ptolemy even further inside his tent. Finally, seemingly happy with the privacy of the place, he asked: "Confused?"

"I must admit, yes," confessed Ptolemy.

"So, what do you think about my new lover?" Alexander inquired without much preliminaries.

"Eh…." Ptolemy was taken aback by such a question. "Which one?"

"Do I have many, my friend?" Alexander still sounded amused though Ptolemy could discern some notes of irritability in his king's voice.

"Bagoas, then?" Ptolemy wanted to be sure.

"Yes, Bagoas."

"Well," Ptolemy pretended to be honestly contemplating the question, "he is said to be the most beloved of Darius' eunuchs."

"Just like Stateira was the most beloved of the Darius' women?"

"Well, Stateira was his Chief Wife," Ptolemy harried to clarify. "And she was a real beauty even though she was nearing forty at the time of her unfortunate death."

"Giving birth to my son, no less. Is it so, Ptolemy?"

"Alexander….." Ptolemy started to feel uncomfortable and apprehensive. It was just some six months since the unfortunate stoning of Philotas and consequent swift execution of Parmenion and even among high command, or, more correctly, especially among the high command, many felt jittery and nervous - what if Alexander's anger spills even further?

"Don't worry," Alexander waved his hand, "I am quite aware of your, should we say, extracurricular activities, though I thought that after the death of your co-conspirator Parmenion, you'd stop for good."

"What do you mean?" Ptolemy turned the white of the beautiful Parian marble, and he felt equally cold.

"Ah," Alexander smiled benevolently and slowly circled his friend almost openly enjoying the terrified look at Ptolemy's face, "by extracurricular activities I meant your spreading rumors about my non-existent lovers, nothing else. Or, is there anything else?"

"No, no," Ptolemy denied vehemently, "how could I?!"

"Well, good to know. So?"

"About Bagoas?" Ptolemy licked his lips nervously.

"If you wish," Alexander allowed magnanimously.

"How long did you know?" Ptolemy dared to ask the question. "How long did you know that we, that Parmenion and I, were behind all those rumors?"

"Oh, from the time my mother tried to push Callixena into my bed."

"Really?" Ptolemy was genially surprised. "It was my first endeavor. I knew your mother would be furious if you denied her, I thought I was doing you a favor."

"And you did," Alexander smiled remembering that his mother left him and Hephaistion alone for almost a month assuming that her darling was enamored with the famous courtesan.

"You know, Callixena continued to demand payment in order to maintain the rumour; me simply sleeping with her was not enough. Parmenion happened to overhear us arguing and I had to admit to him about the rumors. One good came out of it, as long as I slept with Callixena and continued to spread the rumour that you were enjoying her goods, Parmenion actually paid the vixen."

"Ha! And here I thought it was the old rascal who incited you into this enterprise."

"No, Callixena was my idea and for some time it was quiet but later….." Ptolemy drifted.

"Later we crossed the Hellespont and there was no need to appease my mother," stated Alexander.

"Yes," admitted Ptolemy and hung down his head feeling that Alexander won't stop and will force him to admit everything.

"The next one was Barsine, Artabazus' daughter, isn't it?"

"That time Parmenion came to me," sighed Ptolemy.

"Why?"

The son of Lagos felt dread. It was one thing to admit to a prank that allowed Alexander to escape his mother's berating, but it was a completely different matter to point out to Alexander the numerous infidelities of his childhood beloved.

"Well," Ptolemy bit his lips hesitating to continue, "Parmenion came to me declaring that something must be done about …. Hephaistion….. well…"

"Sleeping around?" suggested Alexander.

"You know?" Ptolemy exhaled with relief.

"Do I look like an idiot?" demanded Alexander.

"But…." though relieved, Ptolemy wasn't sure how to proceed, "I would never think that you…. I mean…. oh gods, Alexander, help me out here," almost begged Ptolemy.

"I am quite aware that Hephaistion enjoys sexual exploits far more than I do," evenly stated Alexander. "I don't have time for all of that, I am more than satisfied with what Hephaistion gives me but his appetite is a bit too much for me."

Ptolemy was struck by such an admission from his king, he even ventured, "You don't mind that he sleeps with others?"

"It is just sex," Alexander shrugged his shoulders, "I need Hephaistion's love and it's what I have, all the rest is irrelevant."

"May be for you," Ptolemy risked the displeasure of his king, "but you have to understand that your officers and soldiers, they see it differently. They think that Hephaistion cheats on you with his numerous lovers, and nobody is allowed to cheat on the king."

"And this is why you and Parmenion decided to endower me with all those fictitious lovers?"

"Well, at least a few. Barsine was an obvious choice. And a lucky one at that since she produced a son."

"Which you immediately decided to proclaim as my own."

"It wasn't me," quickly retorted Ptolemy, "it was Parmenion."

"Because the child was Philotas'?"

Ptolemy nervously tagged at some invisible crease of his tunic, "I suspected so but what could I do? Barsine wisely didn't say anything and Artabazus proudly paraded Heracles in front of everybody as your son. I was glad when you wisely sent Barsine and child away – out of site and out of mind."

"And then there was Stateira," Alexander was determined to make Ptolemy admit to all his misdoings.

"She was the royal wife, I thought there would be no harm to ….er… put her in your bed. And then she also became pregnant but I am sure it wasn't Philotas."

"True," confirmed Alexander. "Did you manage to find out who the father was?" Alexander tested the waters.

"N-no," said Ptolemy.

"Why a hesitation?"

"Parmenion and I tried to guess but…. we couldn't come to any conclusion. Though…."

"What?"

"Parmenion thought it might have been Hephaistion?"

"Really? Why?"

"Well, you know…. He is Alexander too."

"Ah…." Alexander enigmatically declared.

"Is it true?" Ptolemy couldn't resist.

"Stick to the business of spreading the rumours, not finding out the truth," suggested Alexander.

"Yes, my King," Ptolemy hurriedly agreed.

"So, this Bagoas…..," continued Alexander.

"He is very good looking, speaks Greek, knows almost all the dignitaries of the former Darius' empire, and I am told very skillful in bed, he can be a perfect lover, I mean, the perfect cover."

Alexander raised his brow.

"Well," Ptolemy explained with the air of an expert, "not everybody can have the honour of being your lover and you conveniently assigned him to be one of your servants."

"Chares must have vetted him," mused Alexander.

"It would be wise if you can invite him directly into your bedroom, at least from time to time and especially when Hephaistion is not around," suggested Ptolemy.

When Alexander didn't respond, Ptolemy, who started to feel somewhat embolden by Alexander's acceptance of his deeds, decided to scale back on his enthusiasm.

"I hope this arrangement is agreeable to you?" Ptolemy asked rather obsequiously.

"On one condition," sternly warned Alexander.

"I am all ears," declared Ptolemy.

"This is my last lover. Feel free to make him a permanent fixture in my bedroom but I want you to direct your efforts somewhere else. Understood?"

"Yes, but…. If I dare to be bold…"

"….?..."

"It is not befitting for the king to have only one lover for a long time whereas his…. eh… alter ego, changes the lovers all the time. It is…. Not how it should be."

"Then, may I give you a suggestion?"

"Of course, my king."

"Since you are such an expert at spreading the rumors, how about spreading the rumours that Hephaistion doesn't have any lovers?"

Ptolemy felt thunderstruck. At last, he managed, "I….I don't know if I can manage that… you overestimate my humble abilities. Do you know how many he has?!"

"How many?" with sudden interest asked Alexander.

"Your father would be envious."

Alexander laughed, "I don't think Hephaistion managed to overdo Philip by now. Maybe in future…."

"I meant Zeus," clarified Ptolemy.

"Oh…." It was Alexander's time to be surprised.

"As you can see," ventured Ptolemy.

"I will talk to Hephaistion to scale down on his exploits," promised Alexander. "So, do we have a deal?"

"Of course, my king. I will do my best to fulfill my obligations towards you…. In respect to Bagoas and Hephaistion. I promise. As long as I am alive."

"Good," Alexander pattered his friend of the shoulder, "I am glad we came to the mutually beneficial agreement. You can go now, I still have some matters to attend before the feast."

Ptolemy put his hand to the heart in a gesture of sincere promise and rather hurriedly left the premises.

Alexander pensively looked at the empty space before him and when he turned around he saw a smiling Hephaistion looking at him with irony.

"More than Zeus, ah?" he chuckled, "I didn't know I had such a reputation.

"I am not surprised, actually." Alexander retorted, somewhat upset.

"Oh, com'on", Hephaistion laughed and hugged Alexander looking lovingly into his eyes, "are you jealous?"

"I do think that sometimes you're too indiscriminate in your tastes."

"All right, I will try to be more selective."

"And less horny."

Hephaistion pouted, "I can try but I will need your help."

"Fair enough. What exactly do you need?"

Hephaistion suggestively raised his brow.

"Now?" asked Alexander but not very reluctantly.

"Yes," smiled Hephaistion. "I was thinking… maybe I can challenge you to surpass your father, if not in quantity but at least in quality."

"I don't think I can turn into a golden shower, even for you."

"Unlike Ptolemy, I actually meant Philip," chuckled Hephaistion and suggestively pushed his king towards the bedroom.

"Still," Alexander doubted but didn't resist.

Hephaistion continued with his pushing efforts and when they reached the bed, he untied the curtains but retained the ribbon in his hands.

Alexander looked inquiringly at his lover. "Having only one eye must have been challenging to your father in bed," explained Hephaistion. "How about experiencing my lovemaking having both of your eyes covered?"

Alexander quivered in eager anticipation and murmured, "I am glad Ptolemy only deals in rumors."


End file.
